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News
Families
Update: Healthy Self-Esteem, Sense or Nonsense?
Posted 8 March 2009
By Janet Brown
Family Life Field Specialist
ISU Extension Service
 We
read and hear a lot about having 'good' self- esteem. "But just
what
is it and how do you know if our children have it?" asks Janet Brown,
Family Life Field Specialist for ISU Extension.
Parents raise their children the best they know and just keep their
fingers crossed that the child grows up with what everyone thinks is
'good' self-esteem.
Self-esteem refers to a deep belief in one's worth and competency, the
feeling that I am okay and that life is good and I have something to
contribute. This is not the same as self-centeredness.
There are 3 main sources of self-esteem for children. FIRST -
research
shows the child needs to feel safe, accepted and valued within
the
first 24-36 months of life. If a child lacks that safe, secure
environment (or experiences life as threatening and unstable), he will
grow up feeling incapable of facing the normal challenges of life.
SECOND - a person learns about their physical appearance by looking in
a mirror so a child learns about his/her worth by looking into the
faces of people, especially their parents. If they see disgust
and
gloom, then the impression is created that the child is the
cause. If
a child sees delight and gladness in the face of a parent, they
conclude that they must be a delightful person. A parent's
unabashed
joy in their children is an essential building block in the development
of a healthy self-esteem.
THIRD - in order for children to feel good about them, they must do
well. This doesn't mean they need to be top in their class or
sport
but to have successfully accomplished a chore or a skill. This
could
be something as simple as feeding themselves, washing the dishes, or
mowing the yard. That means we, as parents, need to expect our children
to do chores and to push them to learn new life skills. If we
shield
them too much from the hard knocks of life, they will likely develop an
exaggerated sense of their own importance. In the end, the
failure to
meet and overcome adversity will produce mere self centeredness rather
than a genuine, healthy self-esteem.
There is a fine line between helping a child develop self-esteem and
spoiling them. Children naturally try to get as much as they can
for
themselves without having to do anything for it. Parents need to
set
appropriate limits for their children. Some parents do more for a child
who is disabled or suffered a serious illness. Again, those parents
need to push them to accomplish what they can and show their pride with
words; not by doing their work for them.
Sometimes parents feel inadequate and feel they owe their children the
best of everything to prove their love. Adoptive parents and
divorced
parents often fall into this category. Children will often see
this
and use this "guilt" as the hook to manipulate their parents.
Lastly, some parents are so insecure in their parenting that they are
afraid to make any decision where their child disagrees. These
parents
need to set rules, make the decisions that need to be made and not be
intimidated by their children.
Our greatest leaders believed that hardship does not destroy
self-esteem. If you never let your child fail, struggle or go
without,
and think you must always be their friend, you are keeping them from
life. You are guaranteeing that they will never grow up but will
remain emotional babies all their life. Remember: there is no
free
lunch; don't be afraid to take risks; be honest; never give up; be in
charge of your own attitude; and always remember you are not
alone.
When your child learns to live by these lessons, they will develop a
healthy self-esteem that will assure them of true success in life.
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